


I am not the only one

by AWhiteFluffy



Category: Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-19
Updated: 2017-12-19
Packaged: 2019-02-17 00:37:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13065495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AWhiteFluffy/pseuds/AWhiteFluffy
Summary: As my name may suggest angst is not necessarily my thing but that what I feel about jinhwi now.I wish they are back to be fluffy again but they've changed. Especially Jinyoung. That what I feel.





	I am not the only one

Sam Smith - I am not the only one  
You say I'm crazy  
'Cause you don't think I’ve known what you've done  
But when you call me baby  
I know I'm not the only one  
You've been so unavailable  
Now sadly I know why  
Your heart is unobtainable  
Even though Lord knows you kept mine  
https://youtu.be/nCkpzqqog4k

Dae likes his life that is so wholesome on every level. Every day has its own flavor with different ideas, be it work or pleasure. The person he was searching for all his life is finally found alive and in flesh and so blindingly handsome that he can only stare at him still not quite comprehending how such beauty exists. Somehow even after so many days he still looks equally gorgeous. It is a fact; Jinyoung is gorgeous and evokes every little feeling in him even when he is just plain weird or blank. Dae can only dream about being as beautiful as he is and is ready to follow him around like a puppy. At first, it started as a simple attraction like any other. Daehwi always was a friendly type of person, with no siblings present he could easily make friends left and right. Depending on the age and gender, he subconsciously was looking for brothers or sisters to play and have fun. And sometimes he would look at some grown-ups for some father-figures in his life. And Jinyoung has it all – both parents and both gender siblings, handsome face acknowledged by everyone, what more could you wish in your life? Someone could feel jealous towards him but for Dae he was that perfect person who does not exist and yet he does. So he wanted to take that chance and try to get closer to him because maybe in a way it was his way to get closer to be perfect too. Boy gotta hope. 

And boy his hope came true. So miraculously, that it still feels unreal? Not deserving? 

But he is so in love that despite every possible reason that his inner insecurities scream for him he let himself be blind and happy. He just wants to be happy.. just this time for a change. 

“Daehwi, baby” – these words makes him forget what exactly he was doing at the moment and turn his full attention to Jinyoung every single time. And his heart behaves like a total traitor suddenly beating a bit faster. Seems like this word is like a much needed fuel for the smooth operation of his heart at this point as several months have passed and the effect is still the same. 

Blissful. His life is so blissful that everyone who knows him or even sees him can feel it. He was always cheerful before but still had his down moments. But since he is with Jinyoung that glowing effect is surrounding him like some kind of protective cloud that is more just a thin and flimsy bubble. Like any other person in love he could tell you everything about Jinyoung: what he likes, what not, how it feels to stroke his hair, what shape of his eyes, you name it. 

But what he totally fails is to see himself in the mirror. To see how he himself changed over these months, even years. He never was unattractive but he was not typical in your face handsome. There is no one in the world who is totally satisfied with their looks: if eyes are fine than there is something wrong with the nose; if nose is good than definitely lips are not perfect and so on. It takes a lot of time to start appreciate and love yourself as you are but Daehwi just has not reached that point yet. Uneven eyes were his Achilles’ heel for years, oh how much he preferred just ordinary eyes be it mono lid or double lid it doesn’t matter; his lack of enthusiasm for sport resulted in a bit of too much slender body. So that was what he saw in himself and not what others saw in him. There were so many other people appreciating his personality, bright and versatile character, and that boyish appeal that was like his own identity, it suited him like nobody else. Despite average height, his body proportions were perfect, long legs, not narrow shoulders, face and head is just perfect size, not too small and not too big and last but not the least those eyes that you want to see again. Isn’t that the sign that eyes like preview of the soul, they can give you the idea what is behind. So what do you do when you see sunshine? That makes you warm and slightly weak and you do not even know when and how you began to smile back. And still Daehwi never saw that.

So what if he felt unworthy but the one he loves reciprocated his feelings back! This is what important, that what drives his will to be perfect for him. To be better than he is now. And he is totally capable to do that, because it is worthy to do it. To see appreciation of your efforts, to feel loved. His Prince Charming kissed the otter and their fairytale began. That how it supposed to be and they are on the way to their ever after happy end. 

And so the spell worked – the spell called “oblivious bliss”. Daehwi was oblivious to any emerging signs of change and blissful in his own imaginary world. It took years to push, pound, and scratch the surface of his happy cloud for some doubt to finally creep in. And than denial stage has started. It lasted months. Because he is just not strong enough to lose someone he loves again. However, it is hard to ignore little things like that these days Jinyoung’s touches became scarce, he doesn’t always respond to phone calls, he goes out without Dae way more often than before. That distance becoming not only physical but spiritual as well. As if he became unavailable even when he is close.  
Nevertheless, Daehwi was arguing in his head that Jinyoung may have his own reasons, it could be just a phase, it could be just… At the end of this infinite cycle of reasoning, he dared himself to ask, to bring back that lost peace of mind. 

“Jinyoung-ah, do you have someone else?”  
“Baby, are you crazy? Really, what’s got into you? Anyway I need to go now”. 

Did that response help? Honestly, not really. He was back to square one, not back to that desirable internal peace. Suddenly the spell dispersed and everything became clear – each day he got a proof that he stopped being the only one for Jinyoung. And then next stage began – blaming… not Jinyoung, oh no, Jinyoung is still the same gorgeous one as years ago, even more manlier now and more appealing to any gender but Dae.. he is still the skinny one, still the needy one who longs to be loved.. he was blaming himself for not being the one. He was not weeping or screaming, just silently crying for being so stupid in the first place for imagining that he could ever be enough for Jinyoung. He was so strong in so many ways but one. Even if he is not perfect, he could not bear to voluntarily step aside from the person he loves. 

And the pain began. It grew every day. It is really hard to measure what size it reached, was it the same size as love or even more than love now? 

New stage is acceptance. When you know that you have to leave the person who hurts you but your heart is still with that person, what do you do? Every day you discover some new thing about yourself, Dae found out that he can survive being broken. It is ok being in pain and it will be ok as long as Jinyoung is still with him, as long as he still more out of habit than love can be called “baby”.

**Author's Note:**

> As my name may suggest angst is not necessarily my thing but that what I feel about jinhwi now.  
> I wish they are back to be fluffy again but they've changed. Especially Jinyoung. That what I feel.


End file.
